Patrick Hilary a/l Sandnasamy

Penang

Coming from a devout Catholic family, my parents were the initiators of my faith. Initially, I served as an altar server and later in the youth ministry in my parish. As a young child the priest was the center of attraction. He was ‘the man’. He looked majestic in his chasuble, has a great number of audiences listening to him while he spoke and everything he ordered was done immediately. I remember mimicking the actions of a priest at home whenever I came back home after mass. I aspired to become that man someday.

The Initial Call:

In 2010, I met a priest who was posted to my parish. He was different; the way he engaged especially the youths, the way he preached and celebrated mass and his creativity in conducting sessions. I was attracted to his personality. I got to know him better while serving in the parish youth ministry. One day, I had the opportunity to talk to him about the priesthood (a desire that was still lurking in my heart). We spoke and he encouraged me to start discerning. Then he offered to pray for me. As he started praying, I realized that the atmosphere in the room changed, it was serene (at that time the only thought that came to my mind was Elijah’s experience of God). As he continued, I felt like there was a ‘fire’ burning in my heart (like the disciples on the road to Emmaus). I knew that God had begun something, and I was eager to know what it was.

The Waiting:

I started discerning accompanied by the same priest as my Spiritual Director. As I journeyed, I had many plans, and I was convinced that priesthood is my call. Too bad, none of those plans came about. I faced many challenges; financial, work related etc. and everything that happened during this time pointed to one thing; that this isn’t my call. I continued praying and discerning, asking God to give me a clear sign but to no avail. Later I realized that there were many ‘signs’ but I chose to wait for something extraordinary. This waiting was painful, nothing seems to be helping but the story of Abraham (how he had to wait for Isaac) kept popping out every time I prayed. In this journey of waiting, I grew in self-knowledge and gradually begin to understand that God is faithful, and I am thankful for a good Spiritual Director who accompanied me during these painful moments. It took me 8 years before I could join the seminary. Peace: God’s sign

After 8 years of discernment, I applied and was accepted to join the seminary. I was excited but about 2 weeks before joining, I was overwhelmed by confusion. The question whether I am called begin to haunt me again and it disturbed me, and I wasn’t at peace. I felt as if I was doing something wrong. I sought help from my Spiritual Director and he asked me to read Luke 5: 1-11 and to reflect and pray over that passage. That night, I prayed and made a deal with God that if this restless-ness is gone the next morning, I will join the seminary but if it doesn’t, I will carry on with my life. I still remember very clearly that night as I laid on my bed, I had a mental picture of every dreams, messages, affirmations that I have experienced throughout my 8 years of discernment. God affirmed that he was faithful no matter what. The next morning, I experienced great peace; peace that I can’t describe.

Patrick Hilary